If there were an easier way to navigate through what we call life I would have thought I’d have found it by now. It’s magical how God works. God. That’s a name I have misused, blamed, ran from, condemned and called upon. God. After a decade of trying life on my own – I have finally made it back home. I have never denounced God but I ran about as far as you can run from Him. However, it’s pointless to look to the past unless you plan on going back there so instead, I am going to tell you where I have been the past couple of years.
Growing up, my favorite part of church was singing, especially when we would sing Tell Me the Story of Jesus and Ten Thousand Angels. I still sing these songs most nights in my mind to help me fall asleep. Music has always moved me and there’s nothing better than a strong gospel song. Church was not a place where I made friends or ever felt a part of. Like most children, the sermons put me to sleep and I could never figure out why when reading aloud in Sunday school, some kids said thou and others said thee. My Bible said thee but I would say thou occasionally and the interchanging of the thees and the thous threw everyone off course. Oh well. By the time I was a teenager I made my way whole-heartedly to God. On the day of my baptism my Grandmother told me to pray for wisdom and I still do. That was a very peaceful time in my life but looking back I was searching for something. My parents had just divorced, and at fourteen, to say I felt lonely was an understatement. I was lost as well but I listened in my daily Bible classes and I got teary-eyed in chapel when we would sing our praises to God. Something was moving in me and I let it. I walked beside God and was strong in my faith until life hit me full-force. Unfortunately, I didn’t think I deserved or could have God’s love so I guess I never really knew Him. My departure from Him was not unlike many teenagers but I knew I was wrong. I just couldn’t seem to find my way back. Looking back, like we all do I was searching for my identity and a Christian seemed too innocent and naïve for the things I had witnessed.
My identity for the last decade has consisted of being known as the lightweight who would pass out before a party could even get started. This was all in good fun and I was a willing participant but I am not proud of the fact that Jack Daniels and I were on a first name basis. My whiskey consumption did not hinder me from graduating college, finding a wonderful man or destroy my liver. Jack did demand to always come first on a night out, he demanded to be the center of attention and he demanded I did not have fun without him. Luckily, I am stubborn and when I decided he would have to go, he did. Sometimes I miss that part of me but then I think how many memories I would still have if it weren’t for that sweet smelling bourbon.
Reminiscing on Jack is easy but there are deeper issues that shaped my identity. Thankfully, years of therapy have helped work most of them out. I don’t think I’ll ever completely understand my parents’ divorce, things that happened to Laura and myself as a result, or why I hardly ever learn my lesson on critical life decisions the first time. I’m always going to have a past and a few regrets. That’s ok.
What’s not ok is when my past started to bleed into the life Clint and I worked so hard to build. Marriage is supposed to be a shield you can take refuge behind but when you are self-imploding, a shield does you no good. My dreams were not coming true and my nightmares were on the horizon. Where was the woman I was supposed to admire? Where was the wife I was supposed to be proud to be? How could I be married and feel so alone? The answers were not ones I liked. I had let my guilt and past events begin to shape my life - again. Back to therapy!
As it turns out, I honestly didn’t think I deserved a cookie-cutter family, even though it’s all I have ever wanted. I was the girl who thought long and hard about who I was marrying. Our wedding day was innocent and so full of promise for our future. Thankfully, Clint and I meant what we said on our wedding day and it was never about the potential demise of our marriage but it scared me that again I was thinking I didn’t deserve Clint, or anyone else’s, love.
For the first time in years, I got on my knees. I repented and prayed like I never had before. I would like to say I did it because I realized God loves me. I would like to say I did it because I had some sense of self-worth but I would be lying. I did it for Clint. It is so unbearably true that if you do not love yourself, others cannot love you. At twenty-seven, I am finally recognizing that God loves me. He wants to use me to bring others into His light. By His grace, I am becoming the woman I dream of being. I no longer look at the few women in my life that I admire and wish to be them because every day I am taking steps to being the woman God is calling me to be.
I have stumbled so many times on this journey, yet I am not discouraged. I am not as I was before or as I ever will be again. I no longer take a moment for granted because when I am not giving thanks, I am praying for Him to use me as needed. I know life is going to be full of ups and downs for our family but I no longer worry. I know when I am on my knees at night with my husband that God is first in our home, which is all He ever wanted. I strongly believe we are blessed so we can be a blessing. Give thanks to God because there are going to be times when you need Him so desperately and when you call, He will answer. For all the other moments when life is so good, make them count.
I read in The Shack that all roads do not lead to Him but there is not a road He will not travel to get to you. He brought me back the second I recognized He was there. I love my God and I want others to know His love for us.
Thank you Lord for loving me
Thank you Lord for blessing me
Thank you Lord for saving my soul
Thank you Lord for making me whole.
